Life is nothing more than a serious of events brought on by actions that we have no control over. I really hate this fact as I do not like the things that I cannot control. If I am not in control of things in my surroundings, it drives me up the walls and this is one thing I cannot control. It is a major thing and I generally like to have complete control over major things. I do not like that this is the way that things have to be. It makes me nuts.
I am at a point in my life where to be honest, nothing makes sense. Not life, not love, not children, nothing. I feel like I am completely upside down in a rabbit hole where there is nothing that can or will go right. Nothing is what it seems and everything is jacked up to say the least. I cant do, say, or be anything right to anyone and it is totally killing what is left of my fragility in terms of what I think of myself as a person. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel like much of anything to anyone. I feel like I am lost and forgotten. No one wants me around and no one wants to comfort me as I fall apart or drift away into who gives a fuck where. I feel as though there is not really anything left for me anywhere if anyone wants to know the truth but no matter how bad my own life is, I have two children that I cannot leave motherless so that is in no way a cry for the end.
I think it would be wonderful to be able to feel something that made me happy. This life I am in now is not it and for the first time in my life, I do not have any answers. I do not have the answers to know what it is I am supposed to do next, I do not have the answers as to how in the hell I let myself get here. I do not have the answers as to what the future holds for me, I do not have the answers on if I even want to go down the road that I am supposed to or if I want to rage against it until I find a different path...no wait scratch that. I think that railing against life is probably how I got in this mess to start with. Ok so one answer found. Now to the rest of the questions I dont have answers for.
Either way I will survive and be ok some way some how...I think.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
If I had not taken it so literal.....
I can't! I simply cant go another day and not be where I belong. I belong in the comfort of my house, with my husband, kids, friends, cooking, cleaning, and all the things that hold a family together. I am the glue. I am the keeper of the socks and work clothes, the payer of the bills, the cook, the maid, and everything else that a wife and mom do. So why the hell am I here?
I let a fight go to far and took something too literal when I should have just let it go and not worried about it because it would all calm down if I had went home instead of to Hartselle, Al. Had I not had taken the "pack your shit and go" so literal I would be sleeping in my own bed with my own husband tonight and not in some room, in some bed alone, and wishing I could smell the scent of metal dust from a hubby who would be home in about 3 hours to wake me up when he came in so I could fix him something to eat before he sat down to begin his nightly catch up of television and play a little Xbox and then fall snoringly to sleep beside me.
If I had not taken things so literally that hot August day, I would still be at home with my family rather than listening to two of the three most precious voices on the planet to me beg me to come home because they miss their family. I would not have to see my kids once a month for a little while each simply because I have no where for them to stay with me and I cannot bare to be at my mother's for any length of time with them because I do not want to have them see me fall apart from the emotional abuse and psychological abuse that even at almost 34 I am still subjected to there. I refuse to let my children see that. I am supposed to be strong for them and I cant do that in that light.
If I had not taken things so literally, I would get to kiss my husband who has my heart every morning and night rather than just a few very short and scattered texts throughout the day and some days not at all. I would get to hear him say I love you and not have to read it across a screen, that is if he even tells me at all which is becoming less and less and fewer and fewer. If I had not had taken things so literal, things would be the way they are supposed to be and I would not be laying here in this hell alone, scared, depressed, and all around miserable.
I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and have the words come home come across either my screen or my email or get the phone call that says the same. I know that it is not coming in the morning so I have to spend another day in a world of constant fear and worry. I know that all of this has taken its toll on my children as well in that they have not only lost a paternal figure in their lives because of the way they look at my husband, however they have lost a maternal one as well because what good am I to them when I am this far away? I have to figure out how to get this all back to good and make this family work. I would give my last breath and life for the three of them and I am doing none of them any good as it stands right now.
I let a fight go to far and took something too literal when I should have just let it go and not worried about it because it would all calm down if I had went home instead of to Hartselle, Al. Had I not had taken the "pack your shit and go" so literal I would be sleeping in my own bed with my own husband tonight and not in some room, in some bed alone, and wishing I could smell the scent of metal dust from a hubby who would be home in about 3 hours to wake me up when he came in so I could fix him something to eat before he sat down to begin his nightly catch up of television and play a little Xbox and then fall snoringly to sleep beside me.
If I had not taken things so literally that hot August day, I would still be at home with my family rather than listening to two of the three most precious voices on the planet to me beg me to come home because they miss their family. I would not have to see my kids once a month for a little while each simply because I have no where for them to stay with me and I cannot bare to be at my mother's for any length of time with them because I do not want to have them see me fall apart from the emotional abuse and psychological abuse that even at almost 34 I am still subjected to there. I refuse to let my children see that. I am supposed to be strong for them and I cant do that in that light.
If I had not taken things so literally, I would get to kiss my husband who has my heart every morning and night rather than just a few very short and scattered texts throughout the day and some days not at all. I would get to hear him say I love you and not have to read it across a screen, that is if he even tells me at all which is becoming less and less and fewer and fewer. If I had not had taken things so literal, things would be the way they are supposed to be and I would not be laying here in this hell alone, scared, depressed, and all around miserable.
I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and have the words come home come across either my screen or my email or get the phone call that says the same. I know that it is not coming in the morning so I have to spend another day in a world of constant fear and worry. I know that all of this has taken its toll on my children as well in that they have not only lost a paternal figure in their lives because of the way they look at my husband, however they have lost a maternal one as well because what good am I to them when I am this far away? I have to figure out how to get this all back to good and make this family work. I would give my last breath and life for the three of them and I am doing none of them any good as it stands right now.
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