If I had not taken it so literal.....

I can't! I simply cant go another day and not be where I belong. I belong in the comfort of my house, with my husband, kids, friends, cooking, cleaning, and all the things that hold a family together. I am the glue. I am the keeper of the socks and work clothes, the payer of the bills, the cook, the maid, and everything else that a wife and mom do. So why the hell am I here?

I let a fight go to far and took something too literal when I should have just let it go and not worried about it because it would all calm down if I had went home instead of to Hartselle, Al. Had I not had taken the "pack your shit and go" so literal I would be sleeping in my own bed with my own husband tonight and not in some room, in some bed alone, and wishing I could smell the scent of metal dust from a hubby who would be home in about 3 hours to wake me up when he came in so I could fix him something to eat before he sat down to begin his nightly catch up of television and play a little Xbox and then fall snoringly to sleep beside me. 

If I had not taken things so literally that hot August day, I would still be at home with my family rather than listening to two of the three most precious voices on the planet to me beg me to come home because they miss their family. I would not have to see my kids once a month for a little while each simply because I have no where for them to stay with me and I cannot bare to be at my mother's for any length of time with them because I do not want to have them see me fall apart from the emotional abuse and psychological abuse that even at almost 34 I am still subjected to there. I refuse to let my children see that. I am supposed to be strong for them and I cant do that in that light.

If I had not taken things so literally, I would get to kiss my husband who has my heart every morning and night rather than just a few very short and scattered texts throughout the day and some days not at all. I would get to hear him say I love you and not have to read it across a screen, that is if he even tells me at all which is becoming less and less and fewer and fewer. If I had not had taken things so literal, things would be the way they are supposed to be and I would not be laying here in this hell alone, scared, depressed, and all around miserable.

I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and have the words come home come across either my screen or my email or get the phone call that says the same. I know that it is not coming in the morning so I have to spend another day in a world of constant fear and worry. I know that all of this has taken its toll on my children as well in that they have not only lost a paternal figure in their lives because of the way they look at my husband, however they have lost a maternal one as well because what good am I to them when I am this far away? I have to figure out how to get this all back to good and make this family work. I would give my last breath and life for the three of them and I am doing none of them any good as it stands right now.