Answers

Life is nothing more than a serious of events brought on by actions that we have no control over. I really hate this fact as I do not like the things that I cannot control. If I am not in control of things in my surroundings, it drives me up the walls and this is one thing I cannot control. It is a major thing and I generally like to have complete control over major things. I do not like that this is the way that things have to be. It makes me nuts.

I am at a point in my life where to be honest, nothing makes sense. Not life, not love, not children, nothing. I feel like I am completely upside down in a rabbit hole where there is nothing that can or will go right. Nothing is what it seems and everything is jacked up to say the least. I cant do, say, or be anything right to anyone and it is totally killing what is left of my fragility in terms of what I think of myself as a person. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel like much of anything to anyone. I feel like I am lost and forgotten. No one wants me around and no one wants to comfort me as I fall apart or drift away into who gives a fuck where. I feel as though there is not really anything left for me anywhere if anyone wants to know the truth but no matter how bad my own life is, I have two children that I cannot leave motherless so that is in no way a cry for the end.

I think it would be wonderful to be able to feel something that made me happy. This life I am in now is not it and for the first time in my life, I do not have any answers. I do not have the answers to know what it is I am supposed to do next, I do not have the answers as to how in the hell I let myself get here. I do not have the answers as to what the future holds for me, I do not have the answers on if I even want to go down the road that I am supposed to or if I want to rage against it until I find a different path...no wait scratch that. I think that railing against life is probably how I got in this mess to start with. Ok so one answer found. Now to the rest of the questions I dont have answers for. 

Either way I will survive and be ok some way some how...I think.